Life

Broken hearts
Shattered dreams
Like a poisonous apple
It's not what it seems.
So take a hit
Feel the burn
Life is deceptive
Someday you'll learn.

It is what it is
So don't even try.

~SF

A Price

Why do I do it? Why do I put every ounce of energy into making someone happy? I love my husband with all my heart, but I just don't get it sometimes. How can he be so mean and nasty? How can someone who loves me talk to me like I am a piece of dirt? It makes me feel awful. It makes me feel like everything we have gone through over almost 7 years of marriage was for nothing. It makes me feel empty and alone. I can't imagine anything feeling worse other than someone I care about dying, but to be honest, its not that much different. Its like the person I married is dead.

I understand that people change. Time changes people. The battles we face in life make us change continuously and that's okay as long as we don't forget who we really are and who we really love. When you start to push away the people who care about you most, you are making a huge mistake. Regardless of how much someone loves you, everyone has their limits.

Just know that I have fought for you every step of the way. I have loved you, been there for you, fought for you, prayed for you...
I have loved you regardless of your flaws and I always will, but I guess everything comes with a price. You got the promotion and the stress of a hectic job. I get to deal with the after effects, depending on how bad of a day you had at work...

Lessons Learned

One thing I have learned in life is that nothing stays the same. Time changes things. It changes people. It changes relationships. It changes everything. Sometimes I even stop and think, the moment I am right now will be nothing but a memory in no time at all. I know I am the type of person who over thinks things, but I actually think is a  good thing. It makes you slow down and look at life. Appreciate it and cherish the moment.

So when you are feeling down, depressed, angry... Stop for a second. And think of all the things you have to be thankful for. I know it can be hard. Its not easy to make yourself be happy sometimes, but its better than not trying at all and drowning yourself in your own sorrow.

Life is life. Things go wrong, but you have to fight. Fight to live. Fight to be happy.

Simple (Wo)Man

Life is tough. Especially with today's problems. Although we have many luxuries that people did not have back in the day, with the spiraling economy and overwhelming political information, it can make things seem bleak and a little scary.
But today I decided, that I am not going to let that stuff get to me anymore. Right here and now, things are great in my life. I couldn't be more thankful. So, I am not going to worry about the future. For once in my life, I am going to stop thinking there has to be a plan for everything, because then all I seem to do is think about the plan, the future. I wanna live in the moment. I wanna enjoy life, the life that is happening here and now. God tells us to give our problems to him, and that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm no longer going to worry about things I can't change. I'm gonna focus on being a good Christian, also on being a good wife and person.
All I need is God and my simple life with my husband to get by.

Below is a link to a song that I hold dearly to my heart. I know I am not a man, but the lyrics to the song could apply to anyone.

Lynrd Skynyrd - Simple Man

Lyrics :
Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say
And if you do this it'll help you some sunny day

Oh, take your time don't live too fast
Troubles will come and they will pass
Go find a woman you'll find love
And don't forget son there is someone up above

And be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son if you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you my son is to be satisfied

And be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son if you can? Oh yes, I will

Boy, don't you worry you'll find yourself
Follow your heart and nothing else
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you my son is to be satisfied

And be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son if you can?

Baby be a simple, be a simple man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man

What if.....

What if.....

...every person helped another person in need...
...no one lied or cheated ...
...there were no wars...
...people didn't judge and bully others...
...people really tried to make marriage last...
...ALL parents actually tried to be good parents ...
...everyone could me more humble and appreciative of what they have...

I actually believe all these things are possible... just not in this life. I believe in God above. And I know that if we live our lives the best we can and put our faith in our loving, forgiving God we will be rewarded for our good behavior.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."
-John 3:16

The Housewife

I am really so sick of being the housewife. Its not even that I mind doing the the things that a housewife does. Its the fact that I know what everyone thinks.

To everyone else, I am the lazy a$$ that doesn't want to work. I am the b!tch that sits at home all day and night doing nothing and spending my husbands paycheck.

This couldn't be further from the truth. No I do not work and we don't have a child to take care of, but I still do things...

-cleaning (washing dishes, vacuuming, scrubbing the bathroom, picking up...)
-laundry (folding, hanging, putting away)
-grocery shopping (this includes clipping coupons and finding the best deals)
-finances (keeping track of our money, paying bills, budgeting)
-cooking (Yes, I ACTUALLY COOK. I'm not talking about boxed mac n' cheese)

So no I do not have a job. Yes, I do spend my husband's paycheck, but I spend the majority of it on things we need and bills. I'm just so sick of being the insignificant housewife that "does nothing".

Also, I would like to add...

This is not my choice. If it were up to me, I would be out there earning a paycheck just like my husband. I lost my job at Walmart for personal reasons and finding a job since has been difficult for various reasons.

Regardless, I am not not what people think I am and it hurts me to know that they feel this way.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

For the last month or so I have had very depressing thoughts. I don't want to. I am totally against thinking that way, but sometimes it doesn't seem to matter how hard you try not to. You just feel crummy sometimes. Life isn't easy. Its full of disappointments, regrets, stress and problems. Unfortunately, the bad seems to outweigh the good sometimes. 

But you know what? 

That's life and I am not the only one who has problems. Life knocks you down sometimes. Actually it knocks you down a lot. You just have to get back up and keep going, because that's the only option. Crying and whining about how much your life sucks will get you no where. In fact, its only going to push people away. No one likes to be around the person that is always sad and depressed. Now I am not saying that you won't feel sad and depressed sometimes, but when you are like that all the time, you aren't only sucking the life out of yourself. You are sucking the life out of everyone around you. 

So this is why I keep my sad and depressing thoughts to myself for the most part. I know that most times they will eventually pass. So what is the point in dragging everyone else down with me? Life does suck sometimes, yes. But you have to remember that whatever it is you are going through, most times there is someone else out there with a much worse problem. 

Do you have food to eat? A roof over your head? People who love you? If you said yes to any of those you have a reason to live. Some don't have any of these things. So if you are moping around and feeling sorry for yourself, remember the things you have to be thankful for.

Click below to hear a great motivational song :)
Kelly Clarkson - Stronger

I plead temporary insanity ..

This 'no smoking' thing sucks! The sad thing is that I don't even want a cigarette at this point. I just feel like shit... irritable, angry, pessimistic and I feel that I am developing a headache.

This is only day 4 so I still have a few more days before I feel normal again. Usually after the first week I'm good. Yes, unfortunately I've put myself through this before. More than once infact. Its beyond me why I have put myself through this so many times. I truely hope I can quit for real this time.

~twitches~

Craving...

Extra Moist Jalapeno Cornbread Recipe - Food.com - 184564

A Brick Wall

I have always been a very easy person to get along with. I am not trying to brag on myself, but when someone needs me and its possible for me to be there for them, I'm there. I also like simplicity. The more complicated you make things or the more you over think things, the higher the chance that it is going to cause you a problem even if there isn't one. 

Now, because of these two things, when I do happen to get into an argument with someone, I don't like to let it spin out of control or bring up a bunch of pointless crap that has nothing to do with the argument. I like to state the facts and the reason why I feel the way I do without saying things that I will later regret. Now this is not to say that I haven't done that before, but I usually try not to demean the other person while arguing with them. First of all, usually the reason for the argument is something minor and its not worth ruining a whole friendship/relationship with someone. Second, once you say something you can never take it back completely. You can apologize and the person might even tell you its ok, but they will never forget you said something extremely hurtful to them.

Now there are some people in the world though, that no matter what way you try speaking to them you cant not make them understand or even consider what you are saying. They will not admit they are wrong no matter how much the facts stack up against them. You can not reason with them. You can't talk to them. Literally everything said to them is a waste of breath, because they are so hard headed. The don't care if they are putting a friendship in jeopardy, because they are right, by golly!

So I have decided, I don't need people in my life that are like this. I am not wasting my energy on this kind of crap. Life is too short. I know I am good person and I always try to do the right thing when life happens. So I am not letting one person make me feel less of myself. 

So as of now, I am done kissing anyone's ass. You are either my friend or you aren't. If you can't respect me for who I am and what I have to say here, then you obviously were never my friend in the first place.

Cigarette Free Insomniac

Its 2:56 am and I am wide awake....

 I went through this exact same thing last night. I feel tired when I first decide to go to bed. Then 5 minutes after I am actually in bed, I'm wide freaking awake. I close my eyes and try to drift away. I even feel like I can some of the time, but it never fails that I find my eyes popping open again. 

I think I know the reasoning for this right now though. Its a lil thing called......

Quitting Smoking.

Apparently 24 hours or even 48 hours after a cigarette it causes me to be restless at bedtime. I can't get comfortable and I cant relax. Now for the record, I am not giving in. As much as I love smoking, I have got to give up the habit. I am almost 28 years old and its time to grow up and start thinking about my health. Yes, those stupid 'smoking is bad for you' commercials have starting getting to me. I personally do not want to die of lung cancer or have to have part of my throat cut out, so I am quitting. I must say though, that quitting smoking is one of the hardest things in life to accomplish. I wish I had never started. 

And for people who don't smoke...

DON'T

EVER

START

Once you start it will be a battle to go without for the rest of your life I swear.

So other than being restless, sleepless, nervous, frustrated mess.... I am awesome! LOL

Moving on up..

I haven't been on here in forever. I think my last post is from over a year ago. Since my last post, we have moved from the crappy old house to a nicer apartment. The move totally sucked. Somehow we ended up moving on the hottest weekend of the summer. I must say that for Indiana, summer has been hell. We have had many 100 degree (plus) days and on the day we moved it got up to 106. Bleh! 

James has also gotten a promotion. He went from a Zone Merchandising Supervisor to an Assistant Manager. Its definitely helped us financially. The crappy part is that he is on overnights. The good part though, is that he gets 4 days on/4 days off. So that's nice. Although I am positive that it won't stay this way from probably October until January, due to the holidays. I'm sure it will be more like 5 days on/2 days off. 

For the most part though, we are doing well, other than life's day to day problems. I would say that we are quite blessed for the most part. Yeah, we aren't rich, but we have each other and and tons to be thankful for. So I am just taking one day at a time for the time being. I just thank God for every day that I am alive and breathing, not in pain or starving.. I have a roof over my head and that is more than some can say. Life has its challenges, but I know that as long as I remain humble and thankful to God I will be fine.